Intentional Dialogue
Learning To Use The ‘INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE’for increasing feelings of safety and connection, promoting empathy & repairing disconnections
I. The Request
SENDER: “I would like an Intentional Dialogue? Is this a good time?”
RECEIVER: “YES” Or “No, but a good time would be_…
Remember, being asked for an Intentional Dialogue is a gift from your partner.
II. Mirroring
SENDER: Sends their message in short, concise statements, about one issue/event, do not go global, or use words like always or never. Use ownership, pausing periodically for partner to mirror. Ownership means using “I” statements, talking from the perspective of your own experience, even if your partner has done something to contribute to the problem. It can mean using phrases like; ‘What it feels like to me when you…’ or ‘What I make up in my head you mean when you…’ It is the sender’s job to keep your partner safe so soften your start up. Tell them what you appreciate & what you notice that they have worked on. Let them know it means a lot to have them listen. Read their body language & try a different approach if you see them closing down. Keep eye contact whenever comfortable and doable (if this is hard save it for later). The purposes of the Intentional Dialogue is to share with your partner what you need, what you feel and what you are learning about self, partner & relationship, so dig deep. We all crave deeply to be understood but too often we do not share because we don’t know how to share deeply & maintain safety. The Intentional Dialogue helps you to share deeply & maintain safety for both you & your partner by slowing things down.
RECEIVER: Mirrors, starting with “What I heard you saying is…”
Using the words of the sender (if possible) & definately the sentiment/feeling/
intention of the sender, the receiver mirrors back what they have heard, then asks: “Is that Right?” or “Did I get that right”
The receiver’s job is to be curious & open, to try to get into their partner’s shoes, to feel the feeling & the intent of what is being said. The receiver’s job is also to contain all of their own reactions & need to defend or correct the story. There is no objective reality to discover, rather the unique experience of two different people. Ask yourself, Is it more important to be right or to be connected? It can be helpful for the receiver to have an imaginary parking lot behind themselves in which to store all their own thoughts & reactions. These contained ideas & feelings are then to be sorted through at a later time & the gems shared in a new send. Keep eye contact if comfortable. Ask your partner to pause of a moment if you are feeling over loaded & need to mirror so you can be present to the intention of the send.
SENDER: responds with “Yes”
OR “Yes, you got some of it, what I also said was…”
RECEIVER: Mirrors what’s missed and again asks, “Is that right?” If it is right then the receiver asks, “Is there more about that?”
SENDER: Continues to send.
RECEIVER: Continues to mirror until the sender says “There is no more”.
IV. Summary
RECEIVER: “In summary, what I heard …” summarizes essence “ Is that right?”
III. Validation
RECEIVER: “What you say makes sense to me because…” The receiver uses the sender’s words to validate. Validation does not mean agreement, it simply means that the receiver understands that this is true for the sender and in no way negates the receiver’s experience or feelings. If the receiver does not understand they ask “Please help me understand about…” The Sender clarifies & the receiver validates. The best way to validate if what the sender says is true is to simply say “You make sense because I did...” This takes a lot of containment on the receiver’s part & does not mean the receiver is globally responsible. Once receiver feels they have validated they ask “Do you feel understood?”
SENDER: says “Yes” If sender’s yes is not immediate, validation is probably not compete.
OR if the sender does not feel understood they say “No”
OR “I feel you understand some of it, but what I also need you to understand is… “
RECEIVER: Continues to validate until the sender says they feel understood.
IV. Empathy
RECEIVER: Using simply feeling words (explain the feelings only minimally) the receiver says, “I imagine you feel/felt…?” “Is that right?”
SENDER: “Yes, that is what I feel/felt” if the words are true
OR “These feelings … are true, & these … are not”
OR “No, that is not what I feel/felt.”
RECEIVER: Mirrors the feelings.
V. Summary: connecting send and empathy
RECEIVER: “I understand that when…happens, you feel…?” “Is that right?”
SENDER: “Yes,” OR clarifies which the receiver then mirrors
RECEIVER: Mirrors any clarification. And the send is finished.
VI. Reverse Roles:
After an initial send, the sender can invite the receiver to respond or the receiver may ask if they may send. If the sender is not ready to receive, it is often best to wait at least over night before reversing roles. Waiting can be very valuable as it allows intense feelings to settle & for both people to reflect on what was really valuable about the initial send, & therefore proceed more consciously.