The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Our Partners
The truth is that in marriage it’s simply not possible to avoid conflict. However, it is possible to avoid repairing conflict, but at great cost to the health of the relationship. When marriage is going well, partners can consistently repair marital fights, sometimes even in the midst of them. When conflict is not balanced with repair, we find ourselves in relationships of perpetual power struggles. The ongoing feeling that no topic is safe to discuss increases the distance and isolation we feel from the person we depend on the most.
Chronic lack of repair is both draining and demoralizing for couples. Marital distress not only takes a toll on our emotional well-being but has also been shown to adversely effect immune functioning in both partners. Additionally, there is convincing evidence that ongoing marital distress is associated with a wide range of problems in children including; depression, poor social competence, health problems, poor academic performance and a variety of conduct-related difficulties. So, being able to consistently repair conflict with our partners has significant benefits for a marriage and family life.
A frequent problem in marriage is the tendency to hold one’s partner responsible for problems in the relationship. One of the ways we deal with our different needs for intimacy, handling finances or parenting, etc.is by convincing ourselves that everything would be fine if our partners would just change. This partner blaming is most noticeable when we are each at our worst; in the heat of conflict. Whether we try to correct these “problems” in our partners with overt criticism or withdrawal, the result is the same: we each feel blamed. It’s only natural to want to defend oneself from being seen as the sole cause of what is really a relational impasse.
Repair begins when we stop blaming. The best way to antidote defensiveness is to make sure that we don’t look like we’re on the attack. Many arguments start when one partner subtlely or otherwise escalates the conflict right from the start. Marital partners are acutely sensitive to each other’s tone of voice, facial nuances and choice of words. Without being consciously aware of it, we can instantly identify genuine empathy as well as dismissiveness and contempt and frequently respond in kind. Just starting a sentence with “You need or should ” can be all it takes to escalate a discussion into conflict.
One of the hardest things about repairing a marital fight is that both people have to be pretty much ready at the same time. This can be a real challenge. For me, to be ready means helping my wife see my experience as well as taking responsibility for my role in the conflict. I know that I’m not ready to re-connect if I am still feeling indignant and/or that my wife has caused the whole problem. When I soften inside enough to imagine that she has her own valid perspective and experience, I am then able to reach out to her and make a gesture of repair. However, She may not be ready yet and I may have to wait for her to respond later knowing that I am ready and waiting.
This dance of repair can takes time and patience, both of which seem in short supply in modern family life. The shear pace of our lives can make it challenging to even find the time. We may have to look hard at how we have structured our lives to allow for more opportunities to connect on a regular basis. We may also have to rethink how kids or jobs have become so center stage that we’ve lost touch with each other. It may initially seem impossible to find time to play together or establish a regular date night but re-investing in the relationship always pays off. By taking time to create a strong friendship and culture of appreciation, we make the dance of repair a lot easier. When we improve our ability to consistently repair conflict, we are well on our way to creating a true dialog with each other that can lead to not just tolerance but acceptance of our differences.